Pull Me Past the Darkness (once known as Release)
by Jaclyn
Summary: After Kathryn does him the favor of babysitting for his child, Q realizes that he's really starting to like her. This in mind, he decides to help her with the nightmares that plague her, not caring if he puts her in a "compromising position." J/C.
1. Convincing Kathy

Release, Part I: Convincing Kathy  
~ Jaclyn   
  
Rated G  
  
Disclaimer: The only thing I own is the plot. Everything else is Paramount's.  
  
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Kathryn Janeway looked down at the stack of PADDs on her coffee table and groaned. The pile was endless! She'd barely reviewed five so far, and already she felt restless.   
  
She shook her head, bemused. "Now where did my attention span go?" she wondered aloud. And after a moment, "Uh oh...talking to yourself, Kathryn. That is NOT a good sign." Her gaze fell on the army of empty coffee cups lined up on the tabletop. "Maybe I *should* consider cutting down on the coffee..."  
  
"Now WHY would you want to do that? I find your coffee addiction absolutely charming!"   
  
Kathryn jumped in surprise and twisted around on the sofa. "Q!" she exclaimed. The mischievous god-like entity grinned boyishly at her. Kathryn righted her head and let it flop back onto the headrest. "Q," she repeated, this time in a more resigned tone. "Have you come to make my day even *more* unbearable?"  
  
Q looked offended. "Not at all, Kathy!"  
  
She waved her hand listlessly. "Oh, of course."  
  
"Kathy--"  
  
"Look. Q," she interrupted brusquely. "I am *really* NOT in the mood for this right now. I have had an *interminable* day and I still have a lot of work to do before I can relax. Now I am cranky, and I am tired, and to combat that I have had a *disgusting* amount of coffee, so now my ears are ringing and my head is spinning, and let me tell you, it is NOT doing wonders for my concentration. And then YOU appear --in a flash of white light, no doubt, because that's just so *typical* of your extreme narcissism-- and now I'm in an even worse mood than I was before! And you know, it's so hard, Q, so hard, to run this ship, all by myself, in the Delta Quadrant. There are so many people counting on me, so many lives, and the responsibility can be suffocating sometimes, and why am I telling you this, what's *wrong* with me, I--"  
  
"Kathy!" Q interrupted. His tone held, for once, genuine concern. Her uncharacteristic outburst worried him, even if he would never admit it to anyone but himself (if that!). Janeway had really...impressed him during the incident with the Q Civil War. That is, impressed him as much as a lowly bipedal species *could*, he corrected himself hastily. In fact, Q had grown quite fond of her over the short time that they'd been acquainted. And he'd learned from peeking into Commander Chuckles' mind (well, maybe it wasn't the most polite thing to do, but who ever said Q's were supposed to be polite?) that Kathy was considered a very strong and independent woman (Q had gathered that this was considered a good thing, and besides, it made her more interesting for *Q* to talk to), but she had a tendency to keep her feelings bottled up inside, which really worried Chak-Chuckles. Q had also noticed that she tended to act differently on the Bridge than she did around certain individuals, like Chak-Chuckles (oh, give it up, Q! You know that because of a certain grudging respect you've developed for Kathy, you've started to think of him as Chakotay - but only out of respect for HER, and it's not like anybody has to know...).   
  
Well, anyway, she acted...differently around him. More open. And then sometimes, abruptly, she would close up again; her mask would come back up (Q had gotten this metaphor from Chakotay's mind as well).  
  
(Yes, well, anyway, Q, this is NOT the time to get lost in thought, look at Kathy, it looks like she's...crying???)  
  
And indeed she was. Not sobbing, not by a long shot, but her eyes had indeed filled with tears.   
  
"Kathy, why...why, I believe you're...*crying*. Q tried to say it as gently as possible, but some of his disbelief crept into his voice nonetheless (human emotions were so complicated) and Kathy appeared to take it as sarcasm.  
  
"I'm doing nothing of the sort," she said fiercely. "Maybe my eyes are a little *moister* than usual, but it's only because I'm tired. Tired!"  
  
Q didn't buy it.  
  
"Please, Q, just leave. This isn't the time."  
  
He didn't move.  
  
"Leave, Q! Just get out!" she cried impatiently.  
  
Now Q was really worried. This was *very* unlike the Janeway he knew. She was usually much more diplomatic with him, seeing as he had the power to send her and her entire precious sip back to a time before the Big Bang. Maybe something was seriously wrong with her?! But no...he *knew* (he was a highly evolved omnipotent being, after all) that she was in practically perfect health. Maybe a little sleep deprived, but surely that didn't constitute anything serious...  
  
But then, with humans, who knew? Perhaps he should call in an expert...  
  
"Maybe I should get Commander Chakotay," he suggested. And then, in a lighter tone (in hopes to lighten the mood), "Or maybe that funny little holographic man..."  
  
"NO!" she shouted. Q was taken aback by her extreme reaction. He was only trying to help, after all. His surprise must have been apparent, because all traces of anger immediately left her face, and he was able to see the real Janeway, battle-scarred and weary.  
  
Oy. Human emotions really *were* too complicated. It was hard for Q to deal with them (when they belonged to him) for long periods of time. But he would try, for Kathy's sake.   
  
So where was he? Yes. Battle-worn and weary (or something to that effect). Poor Kathy. He really did feel bad for her.  
  
Kathryn dropped her aching head in her hands. "I'm sorry, Q," she said in her normal tone of voice. Well, almost normal. Admittedly, it took Q a bazillionth of a second to detect, but something about her tone was different. She didn't sound as self-assured. Not that she sounded insecure, mind you...just a little tired.  
  
"I shouldn't have blown up at you like that," she continued. "I'm sorry. I've been under a lot of stress lately, and then you suddenly appear out of nowhere, and the words just tumbled out. It's only that I'm under so much pressure, I never have a minute to myself anymore. And I guess it *is* taking its toll on me; these past few years have been much harder and lonelier than I've made them out to be, not that I would ever admit that to anyone-" She stopped, gasping, a horrified expression on her face. "So help me, Q, if you ever tell ANYONE what I've just told you, I'll--"  
  
Q held up a hand. "Don't worry, Kathy, I won't tell a soul." And he flashed her his most winning smile.  
  
She recoiled in horror. "Oh my god, what have I done?" she mumbled to herself.  
  
Now Q was confused. What had HE done to make her ask what had SHE done?  
  
"What's wrong, Kathy? Was the smile not bright enough for you?" Suddenly, the word "SMILE" appeared on Q's forehead, and it flashed on and off in bright neon light.  
  
Kathryn smiled in spite of herself. It was kind of funny, watching an utterly confused Q (normally so cocky) flash words on the top of his head.  
  
Q watched her reaction to his antics carefully. There! She smiled! It was a small smile, to be sure, but a smile nonetheless...  
  
Seeing Q's familiar childish behavior went a long way toward improving Kathryn's disposition. Even though she herself could scarcely believe it, the familiarity of Q and his usual behavior was reassuring. After a few seconds of watching Q's forehead flash on and off, she miraculously felt like herself again. Back in control. This was a situation she could deal with; the nightmares she'd been having for the past few weeks were just that - nightmares. They were inconsequential. She needn't worry herself over them any longer.  
  
"All right, Q, you can get rid of the billboard now." She cocked her head and raised an eyebrow. "Strangely enough, you've actually made me feel *better*. It just goes to show what an odd universe we live in." She smiled. "But thank you anyway."  
  
Q was immensely relieved. Here was his old Kathy, back again! And now that she was here, she would now proceed to ask him-  
  
"So why are you here, Q? Why? And don't tell me you came just to cheer me up, because I won't buy it."  
  
"But Kathy! You're my favorite starship captain in the whole multiverse! Forget Picard, the man wouldn't know fun if it socked him in the face! And anyway, you're certainly prettier than he is. And you've got hair!"  
  
Janeway held up a finger. "Q. Skip the lecture," she said with that knowing, Kathy-gleam in her eyes.  
  
"Um, yes...ok then! So as I was saying, you're my favorite captain! I actually, believe it or not, LIKE you! So--"  
  
"Wonderful. That's very flattering. Why. Are. You. Here."  
  
"Well, I was getting to that." He put on a wounded expression. "Don't interrupt me. It is very NOT flattering."  
  
Kathryn raised the other eyebrow.  
  
"Ahh...yes. So ANYWAY, as I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted, you are my FAVORITE starship captain, and I sensed -from galaxies away, no less- that you were a little...er...blue. So I figured I would just pop over, cheer you up, and while I was here--"  
  
Janeway waved a hand in the air. "'And while you were here.' Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen," she announced to her empty quarters, " the catch!"  
  
Q was confused again. Who was she talking to?  
  
"Please, Q, continue. I just can't wait to hear the punchline. I'm sure I'll absolutely love it," she said dryly. "So what were you going to do while you were here?"  
  
Still puzzled, Q nonetheless continued (if somewhat dubiously) at her prompting. "Well...I was going to ask you for a favor."  
  
"A favor! Really. You're going to ask ME, a lowly human, a favor? Marvelous. Let me guess...you and your...er, wife had a fight and you want to know if you can stay here the night. Or better yet, you and your wife had a fight and now you're going to ask me AGAIN to have a child with you, just to make her mad. OR, you--"  
  
"Ok! Ok. I'll tell you. Calm down, Kathy, just calm down." Suddenly, her eyes became guarded and her face hardened. Argh. He'd set her off again. Great. Just what he needed. An emotionally unstable human. And when he actually needed her, no less.  
  
"Kathy. I'm not sure what I just did, but please don't be mad. I need your help with something, ok? Just one small little favor. And you know, it really pains me to have to ask for *help*, especially from an inferior bipedal species, but I'm doing it nonetheless, so PLEASE, can't you just work with me here?"  
  
She looked down at her lap. "Give me your word that you won't tell anybody about before," she said softly. And then, even softer, "about when I lost control. When I started crying..." But at that point her voice was so low that only Q's superior hearing allowed him to understand her. "Please. It's very important that I be a pillar of strength for my crew. I have to be strong for them. They have to believe that I'm super-human. They HAVE to, don't you see? They have to believe in *something* out here in the Delta Quadrant. And I'm the only one they have. They can never know how hard this is for me, because that will only make it harder for them." She looked up at him, eyes burning. "And I know you're probably thinking how broadcasting this through the ship would make an excellent joke, but PLEASE...don't do it."  
  
"Kathy...I promise...I won't." And he meant it. "If it's that important to you, I really won't tell anyone. I told you before I wouldn't, and I WON'T. I'll admit, I do like to play the occasional joke or two, but I'm not MEAN."  
  
Kathryn looked at him carefully. "Alright," she said finally. "I believe you. Now what's the favor?"  
  
  
****  
  
  
"You want me to WHAT?!?!?"  
  
"It's not that bad, Kathy! I just need a little help, that's all. I mean, it's not as if you'll be *alone* with the little tyke or anything...but I told Lady Q I would take care of him for a little bit...to give her a break...she's been working awfully hard lately, kinda like you. But I don't know that much about babies and I don't want to mess up. If I have to call Lady Q back from the 5th dimension, I'll just feel soooooooo bad...so please help me..."  
  
"Q, I am NOT a babysitter!"  
  
"I know, Kathy, but you *are* his godmother! And you *do* like children! Come on...please! Pretty please! With a cherry on top?"  
  
She sighed. "Q, I would love to meet your son, really I would. But I just have so much work to do, and I can't leave the ship--"  
  
Q snapped his fingers (for dramatic effect). "There. No more work. I assume those...uhhh...PADDs, yes, that's what you call 'em, right?...PADDs are 'your work,' so I've taken all the data in them and transferred it to your mind. No tricks, I promise. No negative side effects. It's just as if you've actually read them. And I swear, the information will STAY there."  
  
Kathryn looked at him strangely. "You know, Q, I may be wrong, but...I think you're actually being NICE. And sincere. Taking care of my work for me like that...it was a bit unorthodox, but it was a nice gesture nonetheless. Thanks. But my ship...I'm the captain, I can't just LEAVE..."  
  
"Why not? You're off duty already. And rank hath its privileges. Here, tell you what. You can take your commbadge, and I'll make sure it works. If your crew needs you, they can contact you."  
  
Janeway still looked a bit unconvinced.   
  
"Ok, ok. I'll beg." He knelt next to the couch. "Ok. I'm on my knees in front of you. Please. Please. Pleeeeeeease!!!"  
  
Kathryn laughed. "I never thought I'd see the day when a *Q* was on his knees before *me*!"  
  
"Yeah, I know," Q muttered. "It's weird, isn't it...and terribly embarrassing." He looked up. "Hey! I'll make you a deal. Since I'm not gonna tell your secret, how 'bout you don't tell anyone about this?"  
  
She smiled. "Deal. And...against my better judgement...I'll go with you. Maybe I do need a break. But only for a little, ok?"  
  
Q beamed. "Wonderful. You won't regret it. A change of scenery will do you worlds of good, I think. And you'll be helping *me* in the process." He beamed even brighter. "Yup, it is an excellent idea!"  
  
"I still can't believe I'm going along with this..."  
  
"Oh Kathy, don't be such a party pooper..."  
  
He snapped his fingers, and then they were gone.  
  
****  
  
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End of Part I  
  
  
  
Author's Note: I'm not too happy with the "Release" part of the title, so of anyone has anything better...on second thought, you couldn't, you don't know what's happening next. I'm trying to think of a title that makes sense for the whole...saga, I guess you could call it, but so far, no luck.   
  
  
Feedback? Yes, please. Musicnotej@aol.com  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. White Fluff

Release, Part II: White Fluff

Release, Part II: White Fluff

By Jaclyn

Rated G – PG

Disclaimer: Paramount owns 'em. I just like messing with their brains . . . (on second thought, they might be messing with mine . . .)

::reads the above disclaimer::

That did not make any sense. I'm sorry . . . I'm in a weird mood. So yeah, Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek: Voyager, and the only thing [in this story] that I own is the plot itself. 

Author's Note: Sorry it took so long. It's been ready for the longest time . . . but whenever I tried to upload it, there was some sort of error. Argh, it was so annoying. Anyway, thanks to all those who reviewed Part I and encouraged me to write more . . . the thing was, it was already written, I just couldn't get it up! Argh . . . sorry about the delay, even if it wasn't exactly my fault . . .

BEGIN part II

~,'~,'~,'~,'~,'~,'~

__

It's a bit disconcerting at first, Kathryn thought to herself, _but once you get used to it it's rather beautiful. _

And indeed, it was a marvelous sight. The bluish haze swirled around them, lazy tendrils flowing around their heads. Kathryn reached out and touched one of them, but her finger passed right though it.

Glancing down, she noticed that the tendrils directly below her had woven together to form a sort of mat. The auburn-headed captain looked back at Q, who had a self-satisfied smile firmly plastered on his face. "Is that natural?" she asked, pointing to the 'floor.'

"No," Q replied offhandedly. "But it sure beats me having to support you *myself* for the next few hours."

Janeway mulled that over for a moment. It did make sense, but she hoped that Q's interfering with nature wouldn't harm anyone. 

"So, where exactly are we? It's lovely!" Kathryn said as she swirled some of the haze around her finger.

Q gestured that she should follow him. She complied, and as he moved deeper into the fog, Q finally deigned to answer her.

"We're inside gravity."

"WHAT?" But Q, that's impossible! We can't be *inside* gravity! Gravity is a force, not a...not a..." she waved her hand impatiently. "We can't be inside something that has no mass, no substance!"

Q shrugged. "Whatever."

But Kathryn's scientific curiosity wouldn't accept that. "But Q – "

"Kathy, you should know by now that when you're with me, nothing is impossible. Now, we ARE inside gravity, regardless of whether you believe me or not. However, I've taken what's really here and transformed it into images your funny human brain can comprehend. Ok? And I think I've done a pretty good job, too, so stop whining at me. You have to admit this place is stunning."

Kathryn relented, realizing she wasn't going to get any answers from Q. So she just smiled and replied, "Yes, it is lovely."

Q nodded in satisfaction.

Shortly after, they arrived at a circular clearing, surrounded on all sides by woven haze. A small boy (he looked about three) sat in the center, gazing at his surroundings with wide eyes. His hair was blonde with just a touch of red.

Upon noticing the new arrivals to this wonderland, little q immediately bounded over to his father. 

"Dada!" he cried gleefully. Then he turned to Kathryn and asked, "Who'z dat?"

Kathryn knelt next to little q. "Oh, Q, he's adorable!" she gushed. 

Little q beamed. "Thank 'oo," he said. Kathryn laughed delightedly. 

"And he takes right after his father," she proclaimed, laughing good-naturedly at the self-satisfied q baby. 

"q, this is Kathy," the elder Q began the introductions. "Kathy, this is my son."

"Yes, I figured that, Q." Kathryn, still kneeling next to q, now turned back to him with a smile. 

"Hi," she said cheerfully. [remember the smiles Janeway gave the children during the science fair in Child's Play? That's how she's smiling now . . .]

"Hi, Katty," q said shyly.

It was the beginning of a wonderful friendship.

~,'~,'~,'~,'~,'~,'~ 

__

They seem to be hitting it off quite well. I wonder if she can be persuaded to turn this into a routine occurrence, Q wondered idly. _It is, after all, considerably beneficial for both of us. I get to watch my son enjoy himself, q gets a valuable lesson in interacting with inferior species, and Kathy gets a break from the tedium of life on her little ship. Maybe I can convince her to babysit q on a weekly, or even daily, basis._

__

But she'd never allow that, Q realized. _She's too much the Captain. She'd only concede to leave her ship every once in a while, if at all._

And he _knew_ (what part of omniscience don't you understand?) that he could never convince her otherwise. He could FORCE her to come (what part of omniscience don't you understand?), but Q would never do that. For al his bluster, Q really had matured over the millennia, and he would never subject Kathy (a lower life-form, yes, but one that he was quite fond of) to a true display of his sheer power. He hated being manipulated, loathed the very concept, so he would never manipulate _her_. 

Q had been manipulated once, by a being known as Zero, and the experience had had a profound effect on him. It was unusual for Q to get all riled up over ideals, but it did occasionally happen (like now, for example), and once he got started, it was hard to stop . . . 

Basically, Q felt very protective of his little Kathy, and if she would only want to drop by occasionally, that was fine with him. 

As long as SHE permitted HIM to drop by HER whenever he wanted. 'Cause Voyager was a fun ship to visit, and even Q's get bored.

~,'~,'~,'~,'~,'~,'~

And then a marshmallow hit him square in the forehead.

~,'~,'~,'~,'~,'~,'~

It was surprising, to say the least. After all, it isn't every day that you get jarred out of your thoughts by an airborne _*marshmallow*_.

Q surveyed the scene with the practiced ease of a being that used to live for practical jokes. 

Little q, apparently, had zapped in a snowstorm of marshmallows. The "ground" was absolutely covered in them. And now q, giggling uncontrollably, was pelting everything in sight with the fluffy white candy.

Including Janeway. Including *_him_*.

Q knew there was only one acceptable course of action.

He joined the fray. 

~,'~,'~,'~,'~,'~,'~

Soon, the three of them were involved in a full-blown marshmallow fight. It had started out as q against Janeway, but once Q joined in, it became q and Kathy against the adult Q. 

And, as much as Q was loath to admit it, he was losing. He, Q, was losing to a baby and a human. They were pelting him unmercifully as their laughter rang in the air. And as precise as his aim was, and as many marshmallows as he collected, it simple wasn't enough when faced with a Starfleet captain and his own baby q.

But it was fun anyway.

Actually, now that he thought about it, he hadn't even realized Janeway could be this much fun. From all her lectures on the ol' Prime Directive, who would have known she had all this silliness in her?

And then all the marshmallows in his immediate vicinity disappeared . . . 

. . . and reappeared in the form of a giant marshmallow fortress protecting q and Kathy.

"q, that's cheating!" Q cried plaintively. And then he thought, _Oh, what the heck . . . if he can cheat, then I guess it's time to change the rules . . ._

Q jumped up, barreled into the marshmallow fortress (which promptly fell apart around him), grabbed his son, swung him around, and immediately began to . . .

. . . tickle him. And in case you weren't previously aware, q babies are immensely ticklish.

Little q began to laugh uncontrollably (again). "Katty, Katty, help me . . . (giggle, giggle) . . . Katty, ha ha . . . (hiccup) . . . no fair, Daddy . . . hee hee . . ."

"Q, what are you doing? I demand you release my partner in crime at once!" Kathryn said, barely keeping the laughter out of her voice. 

Q looked at her, noticing how happy she looked, how free. She sure didn't look like that on Voyager. He grinned wolfishly at her, making no move to hand over her "partner in crime."

"All right, that's it," Kathryn said lightly. "I think it's high time I started planning a rescue operation." She edged closer to Q. "But if you must know, it was my idea to throw the marshmallow at you, even if it was q who actually threw it, and q who materialized it in the first place . . ."

"Your ide—" Q stuttered in exaggerated astonishment. He immediately ceased his tickling of q, hauled the child to his feet, and said: "I'm dreadfully sorry, young sir, but it appears I've captured the wrong villain." He turned to Janeway, smiling mischievously. 

She immediately saw his intent. "Ohhhhh no! Absolutely not. There is no way I'm going to let you—"

He pounced. She promptly cracked up. "Why, Kathy, I never realized you were so ticklish!"

"You weren't supposed to!" she said between giggles. "Oh . . . Q! . . . stop it . . . this instant . . . I mean it! (giggle giggle) . . . right now . . . ha ha hahaha . . . q! . . . help meeeeeee . . ."

And soon all three of them were rolling around on dunes of marshmallows, tickling whoever came into contact with them, and laughing like mad.

"Chakotay to Janeway."

She gasped and sat up immediately, looking guiltily around her. Little q looked at her, confused, wondering why the games had stopped. Then he looked at his father, who was looking at Kathryn, so he shrugged and looked at her too.

Q studied Janeway. She'd had a very interesting reaction to her First Officer's hail. Guilt? Why should she be guilty? Wasn't she allowed to have a little fun? In Q's opinion, she took the whole captain thing waaaaaay too seriously.

Now she appeared to be steeling herself as she tapped her commbadge to reply.

"Janeway here. Is something wrong, Commander?"

There was a silence on the other end of the line, as if her question had taken Chakotay by surprise. Her heart sank. She had a bad feeling about this . . .

"Captain, I don't know if you're aware of this, but your shift started fifteen minutes ago."

Her eyes widened. "WHAT?!" She turned to Q. "Are you telling me I've been here for SIX AND A HALF hours???"

Q looked uncomfortable. "Err . . . no . . . yeah . . . kinda, in a way . . ." he shrugged. "Time runs differently here. I'm sorry. I didn't realize you had to be back so soon." He peered at her. "Are you in trouble?"

Q watched as a myriad of emotions flickered across her face. Anger, guilt, sorrow . . . they looked strange there, out of place. She rarely showed her feelings so blatantly. 

Little q, child though he was, sensed that something was wrong. He crawled into Kathryn's lap in an attempt to make her feel better (even though he was still confused about what was bothering her). She wrapped one arm around his small frame, almost without realizing it, and he gave her a small, tentative smile.

Q saw this, too, and he felt himself fill with paternal pride at his son's selfless action. He had known Kathy would be a good influence on q, who was already mature beyond his years.

"Captain?" Chakotay asked in a completely different tone. "Are you alright? Is that Q's voice I just heard? Are you in any danger? Where are you? Kathryn? Can you hear me? Kathryn, are you alr—"

"Chakotay, I'm fine. Don't . . . worry. Everything's ok. I'll be on the bridge in a few minutes. Janeway out."

Q was still watching Janeway as she composed herself. He saw how all traces of the free, fun-loving Kathy he had been tickling a few minutes ago disappeared, making way for her customary I-am-a-Starfleet-captain expression.

He felt saddened as he watched Kathryn bottle herself up. Saddened??? Since when do Q's feel anything at all (except contempt) for inferior, bipedal species? But then, Kathy wasn't exactly your average human, and he wasn't your average Q. He had his own problems with the Continuum's views on certain subjects. 

It felt wrong, somehow, for her to lock up the true Kathryn and hide her under the Captain's facade. Couldn't her two selves be reconciled? Why did she make it so hard for herself? She'd already told him of the toll it took on her.

"Why do you do it?" Q asked softly, a tone quite unusual for a boisterous Q like himself.

She looked up at him, and her eyes were full of sorrow. She knew what he was talking about. Captain Janeway didn't miss a beat. 

"Because I have to," she said simply.

"No you don't. It isn't necessary."

"Yes it is," she whispered brokenly, and he *knew* that this was a question she often asked herself, and the conclusion she invariably reached caused her terrible pain. He *knew* that she tormented herself during the long, sleepless nights that plagued her on Voyager, and yet somehow, she was still convinced that she had made the right decision. What she didn't realize, Q thought, is that circumstances change, as do people, and a decision that was once right years ago may be horribly wrong NOW.

He wished he could make her see that, but he knew she'd just dismiss him, just as she'd dismissed everyone else who tried to get through to her. She stood firm in her belief that she'd made the right choice, and that Starfleet could do no wrong. She would not budge – not for him, not for Chakotay, not even for baby q.

And Q felt an undeniable sadness.

~,'~,'~,'~,'~,'~,'~

END part II.

Part III coming soon 

(12/8 - half of it's already written, the other half in is in my head, I just have to type it up, and, barring all uploading errors, it should be up really soon)

Constructive criticism is really appreciated, as is anything else you have to say (but please, do try to be civil :-] )


	3. Escape Attempts

Pull Me Past The Darkness, Part III

Pull Me Past the Darkness, part III(remember, this saga used to be known as "Release")

Author: Jaclyn

Rating: PG-13, just in case

Codes: J/C, J/Kim, J/Q

Author's Notes: Sorry it took so long . . . I PROMISE, for real, that part IV is already all in the works and should be up soon.I already have 4 pages done!Or something like that.3, maybe.*shrugs*Either way, it WILL be up soon, so don't worry . . . I won't keep you hanging (for too long, anyway, hehe).

One more thing, I would really appreciate feedback.I sort of took a writing hiatus between this part and the part before, and I feel slightly out of practice.Also, this story was written completely out of order, so if you feel it's disjointed, please let me know.(That said, I hope you won't go out of your way to look for whatever.If you think this note will cloud your judgment, ignore it.)

REALLY IMPORTANT NOTE: I HTML-ed this using the easy way out, Microsoft Word.It looks fine on my [website][1], but there are a million **skipped lines** on FFN for some reason, and a few formatting errors too, as well as things **not being italicized when they should be**!!!Grrrr.Therefore, I seriously suggest you read it [here][2], if only for your own convenience . . . (and then if you felt like coming back and sending me a review, I would appreciate it . . . *grin*)

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"Hi people.Sorry I'm late," Captain Janeway said as she stepped onto the bridge.

Her posture declared she was all business, and Chakotay knew the fiery, auburn-headed captain well enough to know that if she didn't bring up the reason for her tardiness _herself, she wasn't going to talk about it._And since it obviously had nothing to do with ship's business (if it did, they'd all be in the Briefing Room by now), he was more than willing to let it slide.

After all, they were all human.Except Tuvok, of course, but he was another story altogether.

"I'll be in my Ready Room, Chakotay, if there's anything you need to talk to me about.Personnel reports, damaged whatevers, etc." 

He started at the use of his name.Hadn't they agreed to keep it formal on the bridge?Captain, Commander, protocol, blah blah?Apparently, she was just a little out of it….

Chakotay looked at her, noticing things the things her regal bearing normally veiled.He looked past her posture, past her uniform, past her carefully business-like expression - and saw a tired, stressed out woman, trying to put on a good front for her crew.And she was succeeding too, with everyone except him.And probably the shrewd Tuvok as well, but the Vulcan was too tactful to say anything about it.Maybe.

Kathryn seemed to suddenly become aware of his scrutiny and immediately disappeared into her Ready Room. 

_That's so typical,__he thought sadly. __She doesn't run from anyone - except me.She stands up to the fiercest beings this quadrant has to offer, but I get too close to her and she flees like a frightened rabbit.It's her most blatant inconsistency._

He sighed and stood up.

"Tuvok, you have the Bridge.I'm going to talk to that wonderful, hard-headed captain of ours."He caught himself."Oh, sorry, didn't mean to say that.She's the best captain I've ever served under - but she can be so annoyingly _stubborn at times," Chakotay corrected, meaning every word in the nicest possible way._

Tom chuckled."It's ok, Chakotay, we know what you mean.You might want to be careful though; if she's late she probably hasn't had her coffee yet."

Chakotay smiled distractedly, having already moved on from his sudden outburst at the Captain's expense to more important matters.

He was almost positive that that had been Q's voice he's heard, and Kathryn had looked so tired and stressed; was it possible that Q was harassing her?And why had she been nearly twenty minutes late, why had she not _known she was twenty minutes late, and what did Q have to do with all this?_

Remembering his earlier thoughts, Chakotay resolved not to bring it up, regardless of his feelings on the matter.His comment about the Captain had, of course, stemmed from the fact that he was worried about her.

And on the short walk from his chair to her ready room, he wondered idly how long he could successfully hold himself in check . . .

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She was on her third cup of coffee.In only ten minutes.

Realizing that her mind was anywhere but on what he had been telling her, Chakotay dropped the subject of the faulty gel-packs for the moment and placed his PADD on her desk purposefully.

She jumped slightly at the sound and glanced up sharply.

"Please tell me you didn't pull another all nighter," he said, resigning himself to the fact that of course she had.

Janeway pinned him with a sharp glare."I'll pull whatever type of nighters I want, thank you very much.Don't be my mother."

"Kathryn, surely you realize it's really not good for you.Every once in while, fine, but not almost every night!"He indicated the mug in her hand."What is that, your fourth cup already?"

"Stop harping on me.Goodness knows, I have enough people harping on me as it is."

This immediately caught his attention."Who's harping on you?Besides me, that is."

"I told you not to be my mother," she said stiffly.

"I'm not being your mother, I'm being your friend."

"Well I don't need a friend, what I _need is a first officer!" Janeway exploded._

Chakotay looked back at her numbly."Ouch," he said softly."You have no idea how much that hurt."

There were, unbelievably, tears in her eyes.The fiery demoness who had shouted at him a moment ago was gone, replaced by a white-faced, uncertain girl who seemed much smaller than she usually did.

"I'm sorry," Kathryn said."I don't know why I said that.I didn't mean it in the least.I _do need a friend, more than anything….and more now than ever."She saw him looking at her expectantly."…and let's just leave it at that, ok?"_

He nodded, but she could see he was dissatisfied.

There was a pause, and the two highest-ranking officers on the USS _Voyager sat and stared at each other for a few minutes, each thinking different things._

"Well," Chakotay said at last."If you ever want to talk, you know where my quarters are."

Kathryn nodded."Yes.I'll see you later.Thanks."

Then she turned to the window and resumed sipping her coffee, a pensive, if tired, expression on her face.

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The sound of her own hoarse voice screaming brought Janeway rudely back to reality, and for that she was grateful.If she had this type of dream one more time, she would turn herself into the Doctor for a psychiatric examination.

Shaking violently, she dragged herself out of bed and pulled on a robe, hugging it around her chest."Well, I guess that rules out any more sleep tonight," she said flippantly to her pillow, in a halfhearted attempt to be brave and to push the horrifying dream out of her brain.

Kathryn sighed heavily, a string of swear words from various languages parading through her mind.Doing her best to suppress a yawn, she wandered out into the corridor, squinting against the sudden illumination.

She had already ambled through a good third of the ship when her muscles suddenly seized up.Collapsed rather heavily against a bulkhead, Janeway did her best to control her breathing and slow her heart rate down.It wouldn't help anyone if their captain died of palpitations in a deserted corridor in the middle of the night cycle.

"Captain!" a shocked voice called.

Or maybe not as deserted as she had previously thought . . .

Harry Kim rushed over, taking her freezing hands in his warm ones."Harry," she said, her voice sounding strained, but oddly cheerful."I do believe that's the first time you've touched me in all the years I've known you."

He looked a little thrown by that, but pushed on courageously."Captain, are you ok?What happened?" He frowned."Did you overdose on caffeine?"

"No!" she exclaimed indignantly.

Harry looked almost as uncomfortable as he had when they had first met.She was about to make the same remark she had that fateful day – _At ease, Mr. Kim, you might sprain something_ – but she couldn't muster up a tone light enough to pull it off.Biting her lip hard, she clenched her jaw and looked stubbornly away from his questioning gaze.

Kathryn was concentrating so hard on reestablishing control that it vanished completely, and she lost herself in nightmarish images of twisted metal bodies and garish light, _faint_ _greenish glow hazy smoke burned_— 

"Captain?"

_-- pain sharp electricity smoldering blood revenge hate--_

_ _

"Captain!"

-- _your fault your fault your fault --_

"CAPTAIN!"A hand on her arm, a probing touch on her neck, allowing her to feel her his pulse as well as her own, still beating reassuringly.But abnormally fast.

Kathryn tore herself away from her private hell and looked up, disconcerted, to find Harry crouched next to her, eyes wide.

How had she ended up huddled in a ball on the floor?

Harry gently pulled her to her feet, putting an arm around her shaking shoulders in comfort."Come on, Captain," he said softly."Let's go to sickbay."

She shook her head and, when she spoke, her voice was subdued."Medicine can't help me.This is something I need to deal with . . . on my own."She looked up at him, trying to smile."Although I do appreciate the support of friends occasionally."

He nodded, accepting the acknowledgement."Would you like me to walk you to your quarters?"

"I'd appreciate that," Kathryn said warmly, feeling better just knowing she wasn't being judged, and that her people would continue to give their supportwhile she fought her internal demons.

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The walk back to her quarters had a calming effect on Kathryn.Harry spoke quietly of places he had visited as a child, describing in detail the flora he had admired and the stunning sunsets he had witnessed.

But her temporary peace was summarily shattered as soon as she caught sight of the door leading to Chakotay's quarters.

"Chakotay!" she gasped as her legs collapsed under her, and she would have gone sprawling had Harry not had good reflexes.The anxious ensign lowered her carefully to the ground, leaning her against the wall.

Mindful of the fact that his captain did _not_want medical attention – which, in this case, came in the form of a sarcastic hologram – Harry didn't even try to suggest it.Instead, he went with his instincts, which all screamed that this was somehow related to Voyager's first officer. 

"Maybe I should get Commander Chakotay," Harry suggested.

Kathryn's head snapped up.She grabbed his arm and squeezed it painfully."No!" she hissed, her eyes huge."If he comes, I'll definitely lose control.And I can't lose control, Harry, I can't!"

"What, and you haven't already?" he said without thinking, and immediately regretted it.Keeping a careful watch on her darting eyes, he wished fervently that someone would come along to advise him.What was one supposed to do with a captain who was obviously having a problem, but refused aid from the ship's medical personnel?"I'm sorry!" he cried nervously."It just slipped out, I didn't mean it!I really--"

"No, Harry, you're right," she said, then added, "But you're still not going to get Chakotay."

Harry looked down at his still-trapped wrist dubiously."I don't know, Captain, I think a conversation with the commander would do you worlds of good right now…"

"I said NO, Harry…" 

"Too late," a voice remarked.

Two heads snapped in Chakotay's direction.

Janeway was looking at him with a bizarre combination of horror and relief."I didn't hear the doors hiss," she said faintly.

"I guess you were distracted."

She gazed at him sadly, momentarily forgetting Harry was there."You have no idea how much I want to ORDER you to get back in your quarters and go to sleep.Every command instinct I have is telling me to do it.Every survival instinct I have is telling me not to." 

Janeway sighed, shutting her eyes in weariness, wishing she could just shut out the world."It's three o'clock in the morning, my life's a mess, Harry here must think I'm a lunatic, and the way you're looking at me right now…I think I'm gonna melt into a little puddle on the floor…" Kathryn buried her head in her arms.Her voice came out muffled now."How I ever managed to resist you this long is beyond me…good G-d, did I just say that out loud?"She looked up."You'll have to excuse me, Harry.I don't know what's come over me.I'm falling apart.I think I'll finally take you up on that offer to talk, Chakotay."

_At last, he thought, and extended a hand to help her up."I'll take it from here, Harry."Upon noticing the young ensign's rather shocked expression, he added (rather playfully, in spite of everything), "I know it's a little hard to digest, Mr. Kim, but the Captain's a person, too.Everyone falls to pieces at some point in their lives…but don't you worry.By morning she'll be her usual brave, reckless, stubborn self."_

"Thanks, Chakotay," Kathryn said dryly."You're a real pal."

"I try." His touch became gently as he took her by the arm and steered her into her quarters.

Harry Kim hoped fervently that the Captain would be all right; nonetheless, he was more than glad to disappear into his normal, usual, and not-at-all-bizarre quarters.He'd had enough absurdity for one night.

Still, he couldn't help worrying.Much as he hated to think it, Captain Janeway seemed a bit . . . unstable.Her moods seemed to change faster than he could keep up with, and her little slip into semi-consciousness before had troubled him to no end . . .

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Chakotay led her to the couch and sat down next to her, leaving a respectable distance between them as was proper.He watched her lean back and close her eyes wearily.He noted how tired she looked, how thin.The silky nightgown she was wearing did nothing to disguise the fact that she had lost unnecessary weight, and the dark circles under her eyes were even more pronounced now that she hadn't covered them with makeup.Her hair was up in a loose bun with a few wisps falling out to frame her face - much the way she used to wear it at night on New Earth.

Except she didn't have frown lines then.

"When was the last time you had a good night's sleep, Kathryn?"

She opened her eyes to gaze at him curiously."A good night's sleep?What in hell's that?"

"Don't be funny."

"I'm not being funny.I really have no idea what a good night's sleep is."

"I'm serious, Kathryn."

"Unfortunately, so am I."

He sighed."Ok.This is getting us nowhere."

"Whaddya mean?Of course it's getting us somewhere.Your very presence is making me feel better already."

Chakotay gave her a strange look."You're not acting at all like yourself, Kat."

"Kat?Since when did you start calling me by a species other than my own?"

"Since I thought it would get your attention.And since you started calling me 'Chakotay' on the bridge."

"Oh."Kathryn's brow wrinkled."Did I do that?" 

"Yes, as a matter of fact you did.And as to why I really called you Kat before, I honestly have no idea.It just popped out of my mouth that way.It's a funny thing, my mouth.Sometimes, I really have no control over it."

"Mmm.Same here," Kathryn agreed."Like before, with Harry.I just started babbling, I don't know why.I think I scared him half to death.Probably thinks I'm a lunatic now."She shrugged."Oh well.I'm past caring.I don't think I've gotten more than two hours of sleep per night for the past two weeks…and some nights, I didn't even bother trying.That must be why I'm acting so strangely.I'm so dead tired I barely even know who I am.My name **is Jane Katway, right?"**

"That was so not funny."

"I know.I'm sorry."After a momentary pause, she said, "You know, Chakotay, I think it's finally happened.I think, after all this time, I'm finally going crazy.It took seven long years, but I've finally cracked."

"Don't be ridiculous.You're just high on lack of sleep, drunk with the joys of tormenting yourself."

"Lovely prospects, those," she remarked dryly."And so poetic." 

"Why thank you."Chakotay was actually starting to feel quite tired himself.He stretched luxuriously on the couch."We should do this more often, you know.Get together at odd hours of the night and talk about nothing."

She said, "Was that a subtle hint?Do you *not* want to talk about nothing anymore…or something like that?"

He answered with a shrug."I don't know. I told you before; things just come out of my mouth.It's too strange an hour for me to successfully control myself."

She raised an eyebrow."That's interesting to know."

He eyed her scant attire."Yeah, well you better start talking or I might make my own entertainment," Chakotay said, letting his impulsive mouth act before his brain could intercept. 

Kathryn balked, her playful attitude gone.He could see the…was that fear?…flickering in her eyes.Surely she wasn't afraid of **him**?But then he realized his thoughtless comment has simply set her off, reminded her of her previous worries.She looked as she had when Harry had first come upon her in the corridor.

"Whoa, whoa," he began helplessly."Kathryn, I was just joking.It was a stupid, thoughtless remark; I'm sorry.I'm not going to hurt you, I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to do," Chakotay reassured her.She was trembling.

"It's not that," she told him."It just reminded me of…of…of everything.I don't know why."

Chakotay's heart twisted.It hurt him almost physically to see his brave, beautiful Kathryn frightened and shaking.What had done this to her?What was wrong?

"Come here," he said softly, reaching for her.Then, remembering his earlier promise, Chakotay asked, "Can I hold you?" and Kathryn heard only good intent in his voice.She nodded, her eyes misting.

Chakotay wrapped his arms around her small frame and pulled her close.Her head was resting on his shoulder as a single crystalline tear trickled down her cheek.Kathryn gasped softly and brushed the tear away.

She stared at her moist fingertip for a long time."A tear.I haven't cried since my father and Justin died . . . I thought I'd forgotten how."

He said, "Let it all out, Kathryn.Just cry."

Kathryn looked down at her hands, still balled into fists, one resting on his leg."I'm trying," she whispered, but her eyes remained dry.

Chakotay tilted her chin up, forcing her to look at him."Kathryn.Just – Just—"

She shook her head, cutting him off.

"I can't."

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Q watched them sit in silence.He was very confused.Why couldn't Kathy cry?She certainly looked sad enough!Chuckles seemed to understand though, but Q was omnipotent, for Pete's sake, and he STILL didn't get it!The big ape of a human didn't look happy about it, but at least he COMPREHENDED!

Grr.This wasn't worth the aggravation right now._Ah . . . maybe I'll go take Lady Q for a romantic evening in the nebulous rings of Cryptar!It's been a while since we've spent any time alone together, what with q and all.Oh!But who will babysit the little guy if Kathy is so depressed?Erm . . . oh, I'll just dump him on Q.But he's too rough, and he doesn't know *a thing* about children.Ah ha!Q!She's a sweet little lady and she even owes me a favor!Whooooo . . . _

Q closed his peephole out of the Continuum and went to find a gift for his wife.

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Chakotay could see she was starting to doze off, still curled up against him with her head on his shoulder.He settled them both comfortably against the back of the couch.It was already 0600, just an hour before their shifts started, but he figured he should let her get as much rest as possible.

Chakotay thought she had already fallen asleep when she suddenly murmured drowsily – but seriously – "Don't tell anyone, k, Chakotay?"

Against his better judgment, he agreed.Anything to see her relax into his arms with a contented smile on her face.

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She managed to make it through the day somehow, staying holed up in her ready room.Whatever sleep she had snatched last night hadn't been enough by far.Even coffee had stopped helping, the caffeine serving only to make her ears ring.Oh god.Maybe she was just plain beyond help.

Janeway got absolutely no work done (and hadn't for at least a week), and when the day was finally over, she disappeared into her quarters without a word to anyone.

She was painfully tired, but afraid to sleep.

~~~~

And I'm afraid 

_To sleep_

_Cuz if I do_

_I'll dream of you_

And dreams are always deep 

_On the pillow where I weep . . ._

_ _

_-- "Afraid to Sleep," Dido_

~~~~

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It started as yet another night spent staring blearily at the stars.

But then, suddenly, she was lying down, and Q was there, standing beside her bed, carefully pulling the blankets up to her chin.

"Good night, Kathy," he said affectionately, his voice fatherly in tone.

"Q?"

"Yes?"

"Please—"

"Yes?"

Kathryn sighed and looked up at him, and her clear gray-green were eyes sad."I don't know," she said drowsily."Just 'please.'"

Q felt his gut clench as a feeling of tenderness (?) washed over him."I know," he said, very softly."I know what you want, even if you don't."

But of course she did not hear him, for he had already sent her to sleep.

Resisting the ridiculous (?) urge to plant a gentle kiss on her forehead, Q winked out of the room, and this time the flash of white light was nonexistent.

It wouldn't do to wake her just yet.

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Bee-boop.Bee-boop.Time is now 0615.Commander Chakotay, there are 45 minutes until your shift begins.Bee-boop.Bee-boop.Time is now 0615 . . . 

"Computer, reset alarm in another five minutes," Chakotay muttered. 

"Computer, belay that order.Just turn it off," someone rasped sleepily.

"I like your idea better, Ka—" he started to mumble as she nestled her head into the warm hollows of his neck, but he cut himself off when reality hit like a 10-kilo load of Leola root."KATHRYN!" he exclaimed, shooting up into a sitting position."What are you doing here?"

She blinked sleepily, staring up at him."Come back here, you're warm . . ."She made a grab for his bare shoulder, but he caught her hand first and pulled her up into a sitting position.

"Kathryn, please try to focus for a moment.Not that I mind, but how did you get here?Did you make a conscious decision, or did you sleepwalk?" he asked urgently.Why the need to know was so pressing, he wasn't entirely sure, but it probably had something to do with the fact that he loved her.That being the case, which did he want her to say?Was it better for her to want him so deeply that she knew it even while asleep, or for her to decide to come here even while she was aware that protocol prohibited it?

"Um…I honestly don't know.And I don't really care . . . can we just go back to sleep?I haven't slept so deeply in years . . ."She cocked her head, beseeching him with her eyes, and he could clearly see it was a struggle for her to keep the organs in question open.

But hey, if she didn't care, why should he?She obviously wasn't uncomfortable, and that was all that really mattered.And if he helped her sleep . . . well, it was every first officer's duty to make sure his captain was well-rested . . . 

Would it be fair to her if he relented simply because HE wanted her here, and not because she wanted to be here?

Was it the same thing?

Did it even matter?

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back down to the bed.

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_end part III_

*squeezes eyes shut*

Ahhhh!!!That was slightly incredibly embarrassing (don't comment on that sentence, I beg of you).Please tell me what you thought, people!I really, really, really want constructive criticism.I mean, praise is nice too, and everyone loves that, but I really crave CONSTRUCTIVE criticism right along with it.

I'm a bit unsure about this piece since I haven't written anything in a while, and I feel a little out of practice . . . .

Thanks,

-=- Jaclyn -=-

   [1]: http://www.geocities.com/ussvoygirl/index.html
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/ussvoygirl2/fanfic/darkness3.html



	4. Nightmare

Pull Me Past the Darkness, Part IV Pull Me Past the Darkness, Part IV  
By Jaclyn  
PG13  
J/C, Q  
  
Disclaimer: Paramount owns them, which is most unfortunate because they don't know what the heck to do with them! So I'll just borrow them now, but I promise no one's paying me . . .   
  
Author's notes: Wow, none this time. Actually...I'll just stick in one minor one. I'd like to congratulate myself (J) for getting this so quickly...usually I end up taking a long break between parts, but for this one I only took like a week or something...wow, cool...*ahem* Ok, you can just start reading now . . . 

  
  


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Kathryn stirred against Chakotay's shoulder, her tousled hair caressing his skin. She purred contentedly, still fast asleep. 

Chakotay, on the other hand, was not as dead tired as she was, and his body was also unused to sleeping three hours later than usual. The warm body shifting in his arms eased him gently back to consciousness. 

He opened his eyes and smiled at the ceiling. Waking up to find her here had been enough to catapult him to heaven immediately. This was even better than any dream he'd ever had, because this was REAL. 

But he figured they should at least make an attempt to put in an appearance on the bridge today. Kathryn wouldn't want him to let her lounge around in bed all day long. 

Chakotay slid his hand back and forth over the smooth skin of her upper arm. "Kathryn," he murmured. "Wake up..." 

"What time is it?" she mumbled drowsily. 

"Time for you to listen carefully, both of you!" Q said brightly, suddenly manifesting in midair by the foot of the bed. 

Kathryn, awake now, didn't even bat an eyelash at his sudden appearance, but Chakotay immediately tensed and tightened his hold on her. Q noticed the unconscious gesture and tsked loudly. 

"You don't have to do that little protective macho bit for my benefit, Chuckles. I'm not the enemy here; I'm trying to help her just like you are...but unlike you, I've taken the initiative and, as you humans say, I've set the ball rolling." 

There was a brief pause. No one moved. Neither of the humans dared breathe. 

"So here's the plan," Q continued briskly, speaking more to Chakotay than to the woman in his arms. "You and Kathy will be sleeping together, in the literal sense, for an undefined length of time. She needs someone who she trusts to help her work through whatever you'd like to call the current situation. Starting tonight, you will find that if Kathy lays down in a bed and you are not there, she will immediately find herself in your bed, and then you will have five minutes to join her before I have to 'help you.'" Q leaned in close to Chakotay's face. "Do you understand, Chakkers?" he asked, his tone somewhat edged with a threat. 

"Chakkers," Kathryn snorted. "Q, don't you think this is a bit much? So I had a few nightmares," she said with a shrug, downplaying the circumstances. "It's not like I had a psychiatric situation or something." 

Q spoke, but it was Chakotay's voice that came out of his mouth. "When was the last time you had a good night's sleep, Kathryn?" The omnipotent entity reverted to his 'real' voice before continuing. "Sound familiar, Kathy? Now answer the question." 

She just stared at him, silently fuming. Q made her feel like she had prove him wrong, but of course he was right. What was a captain to do in situation like that? She felt like a teenager, and a string of a swear words danced through her brain. Kathryn said nothing aloud. 

"It was last night, wasn't it?" Q stated heatedly. "Now why do you think that was? Could it possibly be because I zapped you into Chuckles' safe little arms? 

"They're not little," Kathryn muttered in his defense, not knowing what else to say. "Well, good for him," Q answered sarcastically. "Now let's get back to you." 

Kathryn made a face. 

"You've actually had nine - count 'em, NINE - hours of sleep. Since the time I zapped you here, only six hours have actually passed, but I slowed down time for you two. Wasn't that thoughtful of me?" Q preened. 

Janeway had to concede that it was, even though it struck her as a trifle unsettling. "Yes, thank you, Q. But you really don't have to drag Chakotay into this; it's my problem after a--" 

"Kathryn." 

She stopped talking, and, suddenly, everything seemed to really sink in. She blushed embarrassingly but allowed him to turn her so she was facing him. They had both sat up in the middle of Q's first speech, but she had remained in his lap. 

"I told you once that I would do anything to make your burden lighter." She nodded once, just barely, and he smoothed the worry lines around her eyes away with his thumb. "I meant it," Chakotay continued. "With every fiber of my being. And there's nothing truly inappropriate about Q's plan that you have to fret over. I'm simply going to be the friendly face that you will wake up to if you have any more nightmares." 

His voice lowered as he opted to be perfectly honest with her. "You know I would like it to be more than that, but it's ultimately your decision. You don't have to make up your mind right now, and you don't have to call what Q is proposing 'a relationship' if you don't want to. I can simply be your super-friendly first officer if that's what you'd prefer." 

Kathryn swallowed, digesting this information. 

"Chakotay, I need to tell you something. I do want more. That's the root of the problem." 

"What?" he whispered, and his heart almost stopped. Could he possibly have heard her right? And was everything spinning or was it just him? 

Q, who had been hovering off to the side during this exchange, now held up a medium sized white sign on which it was written in black block letters, "I'll just leave now," with the date and time in a smaller font underneath. He propped the sign up at the foot of the bed and promptly disappeared. No one noticed; Kathryn and Chakotay had totally forgotten about him. 

"I'm so afraid you're going to die," the auburn-haired woman confided, her voice cracking. "And then I'd be left all alone. Q didn't tell you what my nightmares were about, did he?" 

Chakotay shook his head. 

"You," she told him matter-of-factly, getting some semblance of control over herself. "And you died in almost every single one of them." 

"And the other ones?" he asked quietly. 

"I died. Or the whole crew died. Once a whole civilization even died..." she shuddered, remembering the dry, ivory-colored bones that had followed her around for days, invading her thoughts even when she was on the bridge. "And I could hear them screaming...and it was always my fault." There. She'd finally said the horrible words out loud. Kathryn closed her eyes and waited. 

Chakotay immediately tightened his arms around her in a tender hug, stroking her back through the light fabric of her nightgown. 

And he finally heard her crying. 

  
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_ "I'm not afraid of you," Janeway said, her expression giving away nothing. _

"Maybe," the Queen agreed demurely. "But that's irrelevant. I don't want to frighten you . . . I want to hurt you." 

"Excuse me?" Janeway asked in disbelief. "How could a Borg *want* anything?" 

"I am not part of the Collective, Captain; I merely control it. A drone desires nothing, but I . . . I desire revenge." She drew closer to Voyager's leader, slinking seductively across the smooth metal floor. 

Janeway didn't struggle against her bonds, didn't make a sound as the two quicksilver tubules glided into her flesh, cutting through the delicate skin of her neck. She did nothing save grimace ever so slightly as the toxin flowed into her bloodstream and began ordering all her muscles to spasm simultaneously. 

I am above physical pain. I can deal with-- 

Anything but that! _her mind cried out in shock and anguish. _

"NO!" she shrieked, as an dark-skinned man, clearly unconscious, was brought in. Struggling violently now, she called, "This is between you and me, and you know it! Don't bring him into this! They were my orders-" 

"I'm aware of that, Captain. But if you recall, I did say I wanted to hurt you." The Queen . . . did something resembling a smile, stretching her lips grotesquely across pearly, unnatural-looking teeth. 

Janeway held her breath as the Queen nevertheless paused, her tubules just brushing the surface of Chakotay's skin. "Surely," the mother of the collective continued, "you didn't think I meant physical pain? You and I are both above that." 

Janeway tried to speak, but her throat was feeling awfully tight. Actually, now that she thought about it, it was getting bizarrely hard to move ANY part of her body. Her hands felt like dead weights dangling from her arms, which wouldn't be unusual considering how tight her bonds were, except that...something was wrong. She couldn't quite place what it was, but there was something unusual about how every inch of her felt numb. It couldn't just be because her circulation was cut off... 

"Do you feel the effects of the paralyzing agent yet, Captain?" the Queen asked nonchalantly as she dumped Chakotay's limp body onto an assimilating table. 

Janeway grunted, unable to move her lips. Her tongue felt thick and dusty. She could barely even blink back the tears that gathered in her horrified eyes. 

"I wanted to be sure your attention would be focused," the Queen clarified in a purr. "I haven't given him the nanoprobes yet. I wanted to be sure you would have nothing to do but watch." 

Dimly, Janeway realized that her cheeks were wet. In the cold, dry climate of a Borg cube, she should have felt that acutely. But her entire being was concentrating on Chakotay, and ways that she could extricate him from this mess. 

She had never told him that she loved him. She had never told him how much he meant to her, how she would have gone crazy if it weren't for him. 

Janeway refused to accept the possibility that she never would. 

Somehow, she forced her lips to move. "What do you want from me," she rasped, the words disjointed and slurred. 

"Nothing, Captain. Only the privilege of destroying what is most important to you, as you have beaten me so many times before." 

"I thought you were above revenge." 

This time the Queen's smile was positively evil. "Wherever did you hear that?" 

By now, Janeway was desperate, and even though she knew she wasn't thinking clearly, she didn't stop talking. Her mind had shut down long ago, now it was only her love for Chakotay speaking. "I'll give you my ship!" she cried frantically. 

"All right. I'm sure I can find a place for another one hundred and forty able-bodied drones. And the child can go in the maturation chamber." 

"Naomi!" she whispered in despair, only now realizing what she had carelessly offered. She had just given away the lives of her crew to save one man. And it wasn't because he was part of her crew. It was because she loved him to the point where she couldn't bear to live without him. 

Oh my god . . . 

_ "Wait," she mumbled as coherently as she could. "I didn't mean that. You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? That wasn't only a paralyzer, that did something to my mind . . . I can't think straight . . ." _

"Not at all, Captain. Your own emotion has blinded you. You will all be better off once you are joined with the Collective. Or perhaps I'll let you stay like that, eternally watching this man doing as I say, accepting my command-" 

"I will kill you," Janeway gritted, her voice as serious as anyone had ever heard it. 

"That is highly improbably," the Borg Queen said, allowing her hatred to seep through into her silken voice. "Emotion is dangerous, Janeway. Look what is has prompted me to do. Revenge? Irrelevant. And yet . . ." She jammed her twin tubules violently into Chakotay's neck. 

His eyes flew open as something sharp and metallic burst out of his cheek. Knowing instinctively that this was the end, Chakotay's gaze darted to meet hers. "Kathryn!" he cried, grief-stricken when he saw her twisted body and the brownish bloodstains on her neck. 

If Janeway's mind had felt fuzzy before, now it had never been clearer. The man for whom she felt feelings of a depth she hadn't thought possible was being assimilated right in front of her. 

Because of her. 

And she was powerless to stop it. 

Something snapped in her right then. She started screaming, and she screamed and cried until her throat bled from the abuse. She saw every detail of Chakotay's assimilation acutely, somehow felt every stab of the knife, every sharp prick of the needle. And when the Borg's newest drone finally stood, something inside her died. 

"Kill me," she whispered to no one in particular. Her thoughts seemed to be all over the place, despair and broken indifference tripping over each other. 

"No," the Queen replied evenly. "This is all your fault. Why should everyone suffer except you?" She motioned to the organic machine beside her, and the newly misshapen body strode robotically over. "Assimilate her. She can serve under me now." 

As Chakotay -- no, it wasn't Chakotay, not anymore -- brought his hand up to her neck, the Queen whispered again, "It's all your fault," and Janeway screamed and screamed and screamed . . . 

  


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_fin part IV_  
  
  


  
  


Feedback and comments are wholeheartedly appreciated! (And they make me write faster too...) 

[Jaclyn][1] (please include a relevant subject or I will delete it)  
[HOME][2]   
  
  


   [1]: mailto:Musicnotej@aol.com
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/ussvoygirl



	5. Flare-ups, Suspicions, and Broken Bones

Pull Me Past the Darkness, Part V: Flare-ups, Suspicions, and Broken Bones  
~ Jaclyn  
  
Disclaimer: See previous parts. But I'm sure you know it by heart anyway. (Fine, Paramount owns 'em!)  
  
Note: There is nothing really new in this chapter except a notice at the bottom stating that the story will be continued. Quite a few people asked if it was going to be in their reviews, so I thought I would just clarify that...  
  
By the way, everyone, thank you so much for all the positive feedback you've given me! That totally makes me write faster, for the record, so reviews are mututally beneficial for us all....(did that wheedling work? did it, did it, huh? lol, just kidding....)   
  


* * *

  
End of Part IV:   
  
_"Kill me," she whispered to no one in particular. Her thoughts seemed to be all over the place, despair and broken indifference tripping over each other.   
  
"No," the Queen replied evenly. "This is all your fault. Why should everyone suffer except you?" She motioned to the organic machine beside her, and the newly misshapen body strode robotically over. "Assimilate her. She can serve under me now."   
  
As Chakotay -- no, it wasn't Chakotay, not anymore -- brought his hand up to her neck, the Queen whispered again, "It's all your fault," and Janeway screamed and screamed and screamed . . . _  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
**Part V**  
  
. . . and woke up screaming.   
  
She was alone.  
  
- - - - -  
  
"Hand me the second spanner, will you, Chakotay?" B'Elanna called from inside the access hatch.  
  
"The one with the narrow tip and the blue handle?"  
  
"That's it. Thanks," she added as an afterthought. "You know, you really should try to learn the various names of the tools. It would make these late night sessions go a lot faster if you did."  
  
"Sorry, B'Elanna, but you know I'm hopeless. What's this one called again?"  
  
"A flip spanner."  
  
"Why?" he asked in bemusement.  
  
"Because it resembles - well, it has the same basic design - as one that used to be used for fl-"  
  
"CHAKOTAY!" the frantic voice seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere, filling the mostly deserted room with naked emotion. He and B'Elanna were in a corner of the upper Engineering level, and Chakotay hoped fervently that the sound wouldn't carry to the more populated main level.  
  
B'Elanna shot up, hitting her head on a jutting section of metal-plated circuitry. Her muffled cursing faded into the background, barely audible to him as Kathryn shouted his name again.  
  
Chakotay dropped the overflowing toolbox he was holding and slapped the badge on his chest. Utensils of all shapes and sizes came clattering to the floor. Together with B'Elanna's racket and Kathryn's desperate cries, he could barely hear his own voice as he shouted above the din, "Kathryn! Kathryn, I'm here, are you all right?"  
  
She ignored the question, standard procedure when it came to inquiries about her health. "Chakotay!" Kathryn repeated his name in relief. "Where are you?" She sounded much calmer, and Chakotay responded in kind.  
  
"In Engineering."  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing, now."  
  
"Why wasn't I informed of the problem?" she said angrily.  
  
"I fielded your calls. This was minor malfunction, and you were so tired . . ."  
  
"That's not good enough!"  
  
"Kathryn, it's not such a big deal-"  
  
"Then why did YOU go?" she demanded.  
  
"Kathryn-"   
  
"NO!" The sound of a commbadge being hurled against the wall was plainly audible. "You're trying to protect me again," she screamed, so outraged that she forgot about her probable audience. "Like I'm a little child that you need to watch over. God, Chakotay! I don't want your protection, and I don't want Q's either! I can take care of myself, as I've been doing for decades!" She paused for breath. "You know what, stay down in Engineering for the night. I don't want to see you!"  
  
Anger having burned away the last of her energy, Kathryn flopped down once more on the bed, and Chakotay immediately appeared next to her. They both looked a little surprised for a moment; Q's system was taking some getting used to.   
  
Kathryn unfroze first and rolled in the other direction, a frown marring her attractive face. Chakotay rolled his eyes at her stubbornness and easily pulled her petite body back to his side of the bed. Surprisingly, she didn't resist and allowed herself to be dragged into his comforting arms.   
  
Chakotay, trying not to think too hard, gave her a bear hug and said firmly, "I'm sorry if I offended you, Kathryn. I'll be more considerate next time. Now let's go to sleep."  
  
She closed her eyes over the irrational, unwelcome tears. He never even suspected.  
  
- - - - -  
  
_next day_  
  
"Chakotay!" B'Elanna called as she jogged toward him. "Stop a second, will you?"  
  
Schooling his features into his usual cheerful expression, he turned to wait for her. "Hi, B'Elanna. How's your day going?"  
  
"Fine. Listen, I don't want to pry, but I've been meaning to ask you - what in the name of Kahless happened last night? With the Captain, I mean."  
  
Chakotay tried not to grimace. "B'Elanna, would you do me a huge favor? Just forget it. I know I can trust you-"  
  
"Oh, come ON, Chakotay, don't give me that! I could say the same to you. If you two finally, um, _did it_, you would tell me, right? I mean, I'm your best friend! I need to know these things about your life; anyway, you were the first person I told about Tom and I . . ."  
  
"B'Elanna, stop wheedling. I can't believe what I'm hearing. It doesn't suit you at all."  
  
"Chakotayyyyy-"  
  
"You're whining."  
  
"Did you two have a lovers' quarrel? Just tell me. Please. I won't tell a soul."  
  
"Yeah, right. Except for Tom, and once he knows, the whole ship knows too. See, you're blushing. You know I'm right."  
  
"You did then! If you hadn't you wouldn't have minded telling me so."  
  
Chakotay glanced at his watch, not really even seeing the time. "I'm late for an appointment, B'Elanna. I'll see you later."  
  
He got away as quickly as he could without running.  
  
- - - - -   
  
_night_  
  
"Kathryn."  
  
She looked up, her elbow on his chest giving her the leverage she needed. "Yeah?"  
  
"B'Elanna asked me about what happened last night."  
  
Kathryn swallowed as her stomach knotted up. She wasn't surprised, but she had dreaded this moment. "What did you tell her?" she asked with false calm. Her lungs were burning. Breathe, breathe!  
  
"Nothing. I made a stupid excuse and ran like hell."  
  
Janeway exhaled heavily in profound relief. "Ok. But what will you say tomorrow? She's bound to ask again, or - Oh god - she's probably told Tom, and then he'll ask ME . . . what in space am I going to say? What CAN I say?"  
  
"Well, Kathryn, it all boils down to the degree of trust you have in your crew. Would you still feel safe if they knew that you have vulnerabilities? They're not stupid. They know all human beings do."  
  
She growled. "You know I hate it when you put it like that. And I do trust them. I'm just worried about how much they'll trust ME after they hear I'm severely af-afraid," she stuttered. "How can they follow a captain into battle if she can't even sleep alone at night because she can't deal with a few nightmares?"  
  
"I'm sure they realize what a burden this whole voyage is to you."  
  
She opened her mouth to retort, but he put up a hand and quickly continued. "No, that was the wrong word. I know, I know, you made a promise. But they'd have to be blind if they can't see that being what you have to be is extremely difficult! All the battles, all the deaths, all the decisions....they know it's hard. They also know you're the best person for the job. Kathryn, I don't think you have to worry about a mutiny, if that's what you're thinking."   
  
"Maybe you're right. Or maybe not. But it would still be incredibly unprofessional, and quite frankly, _stupid_ of me to tell them I'm sharing a bed with you because I have nightmares. They need to believe, to a certain degree, that I AM superhuman. It would almost be better if we just - you know, I just realized that I completely forgot for a moment that Q is the real reason we're in this situation. I almost forgot that he's the one who put me here, with you. Isn't that odd?"  
  
"Maybe . . . it's because, given a little more time, you would have come here on your own?"  
  
She froze and said uneasily, "On second thought, forget I said anything. I'm not ready to discuss that aspect of our-- our relationship."   
  
"All right," he said calmly. "What were you saying before?"  
  
She blushed immediately. "Oh. I was going to say that maybe we should hint that we've decided to pursue some sort of rom- no, it's stupid. Now that I think about it, it wouldn't work. There's too much that would remain unexplained."  
  
"All right to that too. Whatever you decide to do, Kathryn, I'll back you. Just let me know."  
  
Kathryn looked away. "It's late. Why don't we try to sleep now?"  
  
"Yes, ma'am," Chakotay said evenly.  
  
Privately, she wondered why she kept getting so nervous around him. Why couldn't she keep eye contact for more than a minute? _This never used to be a problem before, and then these stupid nightmares entered the picture, and now my world is falling apart . . . _  
  
- - - - -  
  
She was having that dream again, the one she had had the night before. _And Chakotay advanced toward her, his newly implanted tubules reaching for her neck. She impulsively tried to draw back, but the shackles held her firmly in place. Cold metal awarded her its painful caress, and then suddenly there was the sensation of flying...her left wrist was flaming; the sound of her own shrieking permeated the air, a stark contrast to the Queen's whispered, "Ah, Janeway, Janeway, how very weak you truly are...."_  
  
"Kathryn!" His hand on her face. She twisted away from him, shriveling into herself. The movement sent a jolt of pain through her arm. A gasp - hers, his?   
  
Her name, again. Why? Why would a drone care to name its first victim?  
  
"Kathryn, you need to wake up! Come on now, Kathryn, please, you're really scaring me! Kathryn...."  
  
It was starting to make a little more sense now. The disorientation was fading. A dream, it had been a dream. She remembered now, and the urge to touch him was intense, if just to reassure herself that the Borg were far, far away and could not lay a finger on them....   
  
Kathryn struggled to sit up. He caught sight once more of her arm, the hand dangling limply at an odd angle. She drew back instinctively at his loud exclamation of shock and horror. "Gods!"  
  
"What? What?" she cried, feeling for Borg technology on her face. The haze of pain on her left side felt like the last remainder of a dream that wasn't fading quite as quickly as she would have liked.  
  
"You must have broken your wrist when you rolled off the bed..." Chakotay said, his voice strained. It was painfully clear to him now - he could tell from the screams that had woken him up that she had been dreaming about assimilation. A rasped 'Chakotay, what are you doing? Why don't you FIGHT IT?' echoed continuously, horribly, in his mind. She had rolled away from *him*, because in the back of her mind she was apparently afraid that he would hurt her one day. That must be the meaning of this. And Q was forcing her to confront him, to share a bed with him, and now Kathryn had gotten physically hurt because of him.... His mind was jumping to all sorts of awful conclusions faster than he could keep up with. Chakotay shook his head forcefully to clear it.  
  
"We need to get you to the Doctor," he said.  
  
"Yes, yes, of course, you're right. I'll go right now." She stood up.  
  
"I'm going with you."  
  
"Chakotay! You can't be serious! We can't walk around the ship together in our nightwear! What will the crew think?"  
  
"Well, they're bound to find out sooner or later! So why prolong the stress of hiding our....sleeping arrangements?"  
  
"No. Chakotay, I can handle this. I'm fine!"  
  
"Oh, sure you are! I can't believe we're even having this conversation! You are being so irrational, Kathryn; do you HEAR yourself? Give me one good reason why a friend can't accompany you to sickbay when you're in pain!"  
  
"I will not be seen with my first officer in the middle of the night, with the both of us scantily clad and me with a broken wrist - which, by the way, we don't even know is really broken!" she added, almost triumphantly. "What do you think people are going to assume? If you saw Tom and B'Elanna walking down the corridor in our positions, what would YOU think?"  
  
Chakotay's face reddened as he felt years of suppressed anger bubbling up inside of him. "You know what, Kathryn, I am not going to take this anymore! For years, I went along with you. When you wanted us to become closer, we became closer. And when, on a whim, you decided you needed space, I pulled away. I humored you through everything. But this is getting ridiculous. What, are you ashamed of me? Maybe I'm not good enough for you. Is that it? Not fit enough, not funny enough, not a known charmer like Paris - who you bring up an awful lot, by the way! Well? Don't just stand there. You always have something to say, Kathryn, and even though it usually hurts, I want to hear it. So let's go, come on." He crossed his arms.  
  
Kathryn couldn't stop blinking. Was this another dream? Another nightmare of miscommunication and dashed hopes? But no, the pain in her wrist was too real. She blinked a few more times, feeling completely like a lost child and wanting desperately to cry.   
  
"Damn you, Chakotay!" she shouted finally, and ran from the room.  
  
- - - - -  
  
He stood there for a while, trying to figure out where he'd gone wrong, trying to figure out what on earth had prompted him to have that outburst. The woman he loved was in both mental and physical pain, and what did he do? He added to it!   
  
Biting his lip, he ventured out of the bedroom and into the living area. She was gone, unsurprisingly. Chakotay could feel a headache coming on. Well, at least now he'd have an excuse to go to sickbay....  
  
- - - - - -   
  
Janeway fidgeted, listening restlessly to the Doctor as he scurried around sickbay, gathering supplies and lecturing her.  
  
She resolved not to think and not to hear. Her mind, for now, would just have to be a complete blank. She wouldn't last any other way.  
  
Kathryn blew out a long breath and watched her hair go flying. And then Chakotay walked in, looking for all the world like the human version of her dog Molly when she knew she'd done something wrong. The only difference was dogs just broke ordinary things like vases, but never your heart....  
  
"Can we have a moment, please, Doctor?" his strong, rich voice made her cringe.  
  
The EMH looked put out, but he nonetheless walked towards his office. "Just let me know when I'm welcome in my own sickbay again, Commander," he said acerbically.  
  
The silence once they were alone was eerie.  
  
"Kathryn?" Chakotay said tentatively.  
  
"Get the hell away from me."  
  
"I can't, remember? You can't stay awake forever." He smiled weakly.  
  
Janeway, huddled into a tight ball on the biobed, looked up suddenly.  
  
"Q!" she called shrilly, making Chakotay jump.  
  
But there was no brilliant flash of white light, just a haze of pain that kept getting stronger.   
  
"Doctor!" Janeway shouted. "I don't want to talk to him. Can you just heal my wrist please so I can get out of here?!"  
  
Voyager's EMH stepped out of his office and nodded apologetically at Chakotay. "I'm sorry, Commander, but I have to do what's best for my patient. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."  
  
Stunned, Chakotay's gaze just traveled almost comically from the Doctor to Janeway, over and over again. He felt as if someone had punched him in the gut. How on earth had his relationship with Kathryn degraded so quickly? _I can't even remember when it started...it happened so fast, like I just blinked and suddenly she was raging at me. I don't know what to do now; I don't know how to please her, I don't even know why I try anymore!_  
  
Chakotay caught Kathryn's gaze. There was so much he wanted to say, but she wouldn't let him say it. And he thought he knew why. As their eyes locked, he said only one thing. "Coward."  
  
The doors hissed shut.  
  
*  
  
Kathryn covered her mouth with a trembling hand as she gritted her teeth. Her body was still weak from sleep deprivation, the pain in her wrist was becoming unbearable, and now Chakotay was hurt and disappointed in her. Yes, she was angry with him, but she wasn't used to him being angry with HER. It hurt quite a bit more than she expected it to. A part of her almost wanted to tell him to forget the whole thing. Still, his words in the bedroom a few minutes had wounded her deeply.  
  
She tried to remember if he had ever walked out on her before, as her eyes glimmered with unshed tears.   
  
"You don't understand ANYTHING!" she whispered vehemently, although he was no longer there. "You don't know me at all."  
  
The Doctor didn't look her in the eye when he reached for her wrist. "Be still, Captain." His voice was low. The bone regenerator hummed. "Thank you."  
  
- - - - - _fin_  
  
Part VI Coming Soon....   
  
_~ Jaclyn (musicnotej@aol.com)  
  
Feedback is greatly appreciated and makes me write faster!_   
  
  
  



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